Iron Man 2: Abridged
by The lovable writer
Summary: A trimmed down parody of the latest Marvel classic. For an even more cut down version: SPOILER The Good Guys win!
1. Chapter 1

**Iron Man 2 Abridged: One reviewer wanted it, so that one reviewer better bloody review! I'm looking at you WolfMisteress1123! You and your Wolf Master better review!**

**Note: This film was out 1 week before the American release. So I totally could have relased this before the actual release date. Not that I have a chip on my shoulder about you being Americans. But you took Hugh Laurie and Tim Roth from us! You evil men! Give me Hugh and Tim back damn it!**

**Stark Expo...**

The crowd roars as the Stark Expo enters its peak. Poll dancers dance. Fireworks explode. People buy new and flashy merchandise. Truly, this is how all normal cooperate expo's are like, just like the how Bill Gates landed his rocket pack the month before, or the Presidential Inauguration, where Obama arrived via Jet-Pack and take George Bush's crown through a light saber duel. Yeah, those business ceremonies, just EXTREME!!!

"Ladies and Gentlemen. It's good to be back." Tony declares.

"You were gone?" Wolverine yells, sobbing at the back of the crowd.

"Yes! There was a brief period after Iron Man 1, the massive box office sales, the killer DVD sales, the hype for Iron Man 2, rumours and casting affairs over Iron Man 2, yet before the trailer for Iron Man 2 was released along with that massive media campaign where I had nothing to do except fight a Civil War and Skrull invasion, they were very crappy times. But they're over now!"

The crowd roar, hailing before their new God. For with his right hand he bloweth up stuff and with his left he blows up more stuff. So he actually kind of fits in well with most Gods. Not that that was foreshadowing or anything, that was just a gentle mockery of religion.

"Hay Tony. It's me." Says Hogan, Tonys body guard, played by talented actor Jon Favreau, who just so happens to direct this film, lets just take a moment to appreciate this man and his acting skills, come on, remember him, he appeared in five episodes of FRIENDS, how great is that.

"What my best friend ever!" Tony says.

"This girl says your being called to court by the government." Hogan says, in such a talented and amazing way, you really believe Tony is being sued. Brilliant directing, and acting. What can't the man do. Write you say? Nope, he wrote Couples Retreat! Remember that movie! Just appreciate him for a few moments again.

"Than I'm off to court again. They have a specific court reserved for me now. They say they can't open hospitals because of the tax payers money I steal."

**Government Hearing...**

A court room. The government has gathered. Tony Stark has the worlds coolest toy. The government want it. Tony doesn't want to give it. So a court battle ensues. Welcome to the grown up world of politics children.

"I want you armour." Senator Stern barks.

"You can't have it." Tony remarks.

"Give it!" the Senator demands.

"No."

_**Several hours later...**_

"Give it times seventy billion plus one!" The Senator wittily counters.

"No times one million more times than you can ever say plus two billion times more than you even ever think about. Plus one more." Tony concludes.

"Damn you Stark! Plan B. Mr Stark, we'd like you to hand over the Iron Man technology to the government. And to prove how dangerous it is, here is Colonel Rhodes." The Senator barks.

"Rhodey?!"

"Yes! It's me! I'm here! Me specifically! Not Terrance Howard! Get over it and move!" Rhodey yells.

"I just said Rhodey?" Tony remarks.

"Are you implying Terrance Howard is better than me! Cause he's not! I am! I was in a film with Jackie Chan!"

"Colonel, read the report please." Senator Stern replies.

"The Iron Man suit could represent a considerable threat to the US Government. Furthermore its usefulness may be limited by its operation through only one man who may not be able to foresee future threats like the various Iron Man copy cap attempts springing up in the world. THERE! Could Terrance Howard read that better! Or act next to George Clooney. Cause I have!"

"Senator, I'd like to show you the other supposed copy cat attempts."

On the screen, film begins to play. The various Iron Man replications shown to the world.

Firstly, we witness the Toyota version of Iron Man. After initial promising results, the brakes fail. Several hundred died in the testing.

Secondly, the James Cameron replication. It's apparently going to be really awesome and revolutionise Iron Man technology. When it comes out ten years from now we'll probably find it very disappointing.

Than there was the Sarah Palin Iron Man project. They programmed it to fly to Africa. Sadly it didn't actually know where Africa was and it kind of vanished. It might show up someday.

And finally the Joss Whedon version of the the Iron Man project. That was looking really promising, but it got cancelled for no reason.

"As you can see, none of these projects pose a threat, except maybe Joss Whedon if he was working with an amazing comic book adaptation. But like that'll happen." Tony laughs.

And Joss never did the end, forcing him instead to make _Dollhouse 2: Doll harder... in space!_

**And with that, Stark Jets off to the tropical lands of Monaco to have days of excitement and fun. Unfortunately he decides to visit the Monaco Grand Priux.....**

**Note: If you don't watch Formula 1 racing, or possibly any other kind of racing that occurs in Monaco you might not get that reference, if you do watch any form of racing in the Monaco circuit, DEAR GOD!!! How do you watch what is essentially fast moving traffic!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Iron Man 2: Proof that Tony Stark can be a lovable ass hole, rather than just a normal ass hole, as proven by Marvel Civil War, the comic which dared to ask whether it was wrong to lock up American citizens without trial just for being different, well Iron Man couldn't answer the question anyway.**_

_**Meanwhile in Russia...**_

The Vanko family watch on in horror as they see Tony's rise to fame.

"Son, that should be you! Have you seen Sin City! It was a much better come back film than Robert Downy Jr's Kiss Kiss Bang Bang!" Father Vanko says.

"Really? Kiss Kiss was quite good." Ivan Vank replies.

"But Sin City was so much more dark and gritty." Father states.

"How so?" Ivan asks.

"It had lots of titties and blood. And the Gilmore girl as a prostitute. And a dude tears a guys penis off. So much more mature."

The man thinks on Sin City. He remembers the glory of it all. The awesomeness. The maturity of the blood and titties. Than he wonders when the sequel will be, and how long he'll have to wait. The prospect kills him.

"Father! I'll avenge your death!" Ivan screams.

_**Monaco Grand Prix**_

Anarchy reigns supreme! Cars explode amongst the madness! However it's the Monaco Grand Priux, so it still remains pretty boring. About 1 person in 100 will get that joke and find it funny. I believe it's called the Disaster Movie affect.

"Why do I keep breaking things!" Michael Shumarker yells out.

_Hay! I'm writing this thing and that joke made me laugh! I don't care how obscure it is. Wikipedia it! Wait, I was writing something wasn't I?_

Tony Stark can only look on at his inevitable death.

"This looks like a job that only director Jon Favreau can solve." Tony yells.

And suddenly, the remarkably talented and handsome Jon Favreau, who let us not forget also provided was the accompanying Ukulele player in the 2001 classic film, Made, emerges onto the scene, driving a car full of justice into the shins of intolerance and evil. Another victory for Road Rage

"Is zat all you got! A 60 mile per hour collision to the shins! In Soviet Russia, car crash victim kill you!"

Producing his skip ropes of death, Ivan launches his double dutch counter attack, that not even Jon Favreau can withstand. Who can save the day now!

"This looks like a job for the titular character of the film." Tony Stark declares.

"How do you intend to stop me?" Ivan Vanko laughs.

"Simple, 70% of your body is exposed and I think your knee's are comprised are entirely of bone dust. If I had a gun I could have beaten you as Tony Stark."

_**Later in prison...**_

The deepest pit of prison, where only the damned are placed. The scene is tense and silent, you could hear a bar of soap drop.

"Hay, sorry I'm late, I was talking to Rorschach, man that guy comes out with some stuff, turns out, I'm locked in here with him." Tony chuckles.

"Tony, my Father invented the Iron Man suit, your Dad is a fraud. I will get my revenge. If I even get to you first." Ivan taunts.

"What? Are you talking about my blood poisoning brought on by the Iron Man chest plate?"

"No, actually I was thinking of the herpes."

_**At Hammer Industries...**_

At Hammer Industries, Justin Hammer looks at the news, and Whiplashes rampage. Some speculate its terrorisms latest super weapon. Some say it's a sign for change. Some say it could be avoided if only we didn't have that health care reform. Some speculate it's a marketing stunt for Justin Bieber. Some blame the rap music.

"You know who that guy reminds me of?" Justin Hammer asks.

"Who sir?" his body guard, who will be called Bruce asks.

"Marv from Sin City. You know Marv would be able to solve all these problems I'm having with defeating Tony Stark. Can we hire Marv?" Hammer asks.

"Sir, Marv is from the Dark Horse Universe. This is a vague interpretation of the Marvel Universe albeit constrained through specific legal deals which prohibit the use of some Marvel characters already licensed out to other film studio's." Bruce replies.

"Oh, than I'll just take that guy."

_**To be continued... Presumably with a Hammer Time joker...**_

**_Note: This is a parody! I know nothing about the Health Care reform. If you intend to complain about the joke I made you'll just end up looking stupid. But than again if you're against the health care reform I imagine that whole stupid thing is obvious._**

**_Note 2: The above statement was a joke, I STILL know nothing about health care reform in America, I just know those against are so much easier to make fun of._**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Iron Man 2: Abridged, bizzarely with not as much self parody as the real Iron Man 2, but I think we have more action scenes...**_

_**At Stark Mansion...**_

Tony Stark continues to test his blood toxicity, each percent a representation of how close to death he is, and how much more dramatic he must act.

"Sir, your blood toxicity has reached 57%." JARVIS announces.

"Damn it JARVIS! I created you to make my life easier, not ominously kill me." Tony yells.

"No, wait 58% sir." JARVIS corrects.

"What the hell!" Tony remarks.

"I'm being paid by the word sir now that I know who I'm working for. Also your Herpes has also reached critical mass." JARVIS informs.

"I don't have herpes!" Tony blatantly lies.

_**With Pepper Potts...**_

Pepper Potts sits at the desk of Stark Industries, trying to form some order in the chaos. So far today she has had to deal with four shipments of Stark technology being used by the forces of evil, two traitors trying to destroy the company, and Tony using the Captain America shield for a game of frisbee. Four were majorly injured and suing for compensation.

"Pepper, I have a problem." Tony begins.

"Not now, I'm busy running that company you gave me." Pepper Potts huffs with frustration.

"Yeah, that company drove my Father to an early grave, good luck with that than, but I'm serious, Pepper I'm...."

"Not now Tony, I gave you a hot secretary who was prepared to sign sexual harassment wavers for a reason."

Tony leaves, feeling dejected, feeling alone in the world expect for his private play boy mansion and army of gold plated jets. And magic. And herpes.

_**With Rhodey...**_

Tony next tries to talk to his next best friend, in the hopes of getting the bad news out. That the movie isn't as liked as the one with Terrance Howard. That and he's also dying.

"Rhodey, I have a problem." Tony says.

"Not now, I'm watching Crash, a powerful and moving drama in which I star. Could Terrance Howard star in a film as powerful and moving and Oscar winning as Crash?" Rhodey yells.

"Isn't that him in the same scene as you right now?" Tony asks.

"What! Damn it! Kill him me! Kill him, no don't have moving discussions about racism and the way of the world. Kill the pretender!" Rhodey rants.

"You know what, I think I'll leave you to it." Tony sighs, the pains of rejection filling his body of sadness.

Tony feel rejected by his friends. He is begining to feel angry. And you wont like Tony when he's angry.

_**At SHIELD...**_

At the base of SHIELD, Natasha Romanoff AKA The Black Widow AKA, the name that will now be given to her due to the lack of spelling difficulty, enters into the room. She wears a leather outfit, perfectly lining her every body part, from her strong sensual thighs, riding all the way up to her beautiful... listen, I'm just going to take a few minutes.

_A few minutes later..._

Yeah, Black Widow is hot, and she's entered the SHIELD base where Nick Fury is hard at work as official Super Hero organiser, a job surprisingly not as awesome as it sounds. Seriously.

"Sir, Tony Stark is dying, and we think he's going to go on alcohol induced rampage." Black Widow announces.

"God damn it women! I'm trying to thaw an American Hero out of a block of ice here. Than I have to negotiate with the Norse Gods. Than I have to get Edward Norton on the Avengers Initiative in some way." Nick Fury yells.

"But sir..."

"Contrary to popular belief, Tony Stark is not the centre of my Universe. Cure his herpes, tell him to man up and stop being a whiney bitch, and than I can go back to this 9 movie deal contract which will take up the remainder of my natural life." Fury rants.

"Yes sir."

"God damn it. I am tired of these mother frigging super heroes and their mother frigging angst!" Fury sighs.

_**To be Continued....**_


	4. Chapter 4

**_Iron Man 2: Abridged, the closest you can get to saying Iron Man 2 had problems, without Robert Downy Jr coming round to your house with his personal ninja army. He can do that, he's rich._**

**_At Stark Mansion..._**

Tony Starks birthday enters full swing. People dance. People eat and drink. Tony prances around in a weapon of mass desruction, whilst showing off the dance moves Peter Parker taught him from Spiderman 3. All in all it's about normal for Tony Stark.

"Rhodey! Tony is slightly more drunk than usual!" Pepper cries.

"That can't be too bad. No worse than the time he used Pym shrinking technology to play a prank on Steven Hawkings?" Rhodey asks.

"Yeah, it was hillariously tragic. But this time he's armed with weapons of mass destruction!" Pepper explains.

"Ah hell naw!"

I have never had a conversation with an african-American person that was more meaningful than "Yes, I'm on holiday, now get me my god damn burger." so I don't know how they act, but they say hell naw a lot? Right? Will Smith wouldn't lie to me right?

Rhodey arms up in an older version of the Iron Man suit, but the awesomeness of being black gives Rhodey the egde. After an epic curfuffle, Tony collapses to the ground, ready to present the Iron Man suit to the military. Another victory to the evil forces of science. Seriosuly frigging magnet, how do they work?

_**At Hammer Industries...**_

Ivan reveals his technological creations, and army of killer robots with which he may invade America, because that's all Russians care about really, just watch Red Dawn or play Modern Warfare.

"You created a droid army? That's not what I asked!" Justin Hammer yells.

"Droids are better. It makes them easier to kill without the protagonist looking like too much of an ass hole." Ivan explains.

"What are you talking about?" Hammer asks.

"Ah, I see, let me explain. You think I wasn't shot in Monaco cause everyone was stupid. No, I wasn't shot cause I was too much of a bad ass. My levels of bad ass have propelled me to a level where I have surpassed the fourth wall and am aware that this is all just a fictional universe mocking another fictional universe, and as the designated bad guy, I am destined to die. I have therefore resolved to make my death as epic as possible so that I might live on in the memories of the men, and the sex dreams of the women. First step to that, lead an army of killer robots."

Enough time passes for Justin to wet himself, he than decides to leave.

"O.K, I'm just going to leave now."

He leaves.

"I see you." Ivan chuckles.

_**Who, me?**_

"Yes."

_**Dear God, I mean, at the army...**_

"Well, you know what they say about going black." The General says.

_**At Dunking Donuts, with Nick Fury...**_

Fury and Stark face off in Dunking Donuts. Two power houses of the Universe. One leads SHIELD. The other Stark Industries. One leads an army. The other is a one man army. One is putting together a team. One had sex with the team of Russian ballerina's. One has an eye patch. One can't see right now due to a hangover. One has a flying fortress. One has herpes.

"Alright, why am I here?" Tony asks.

"Because I need to talk to you about your recent self destructive behaviour." Nick Fury explains.

"Sounds resonable. But why is Edward Norton here?" Tony asks further.

Edward Norton briefly waves, before sitting down and giving another inconclusive answer about his involvment in the Avengers.

"Cause I'm a busy man and you both have the same problem so I'm killing to birds with one stone. Your problem is, your both whiney bitches!" Fury yells.

"But my Father never loved me and I have the wait of the world upon my shoulders, a weight which is quite litterally killing me!" Tony cries.

"I have a monster lurking within me that could kill all those who I love and hold dear!" Edward Norton whimpers.

"Oh for goodness sake. You are bad asses. You have the power to blow up entire nations. Do not wine about being Gods amongst humans. Be bad asses. And Edward Norton, sign onto Avengers already, you might love doing art house indies, but the Avengers will fund your projects for the rest of your life!" Fury explains.

"Sound reasonable." Tony Stark and Edward Norton decide.

"Great, now Black Widow will jab you, cure your herpes, and you can go back to saving the world, and I will go back to trying to make sure Joss Wheedon doesn't get anything cancellled. Seriously, the dude's already got are refigerator and first aid kits cancelled, what next?"

Fury gets up and leaves, just before his coffee mug is cancelled due to poor viewing figures. Fortunatly the coffee mug will be appearing on DVD where we hope it can get better sales, which can lead to a coffee mug movie to continue the mythology and complex character of the coffee mug.

_**At Hammer Industries...**_

"I'm off to my presentation of the robot army, please don't hang my guards, take over the robots and expose my corrupt ways." Hammer requests.

"Quiet, I'm working on a hang mans noose here!" Ivan yells back.

_**To be Continued...**_

**_And remember: Coffee Mug: The Complete Series, coming soon to DVD, with feature commentary from Joss Whedon and Seth MacFarlane, a production so intense they decided to cancel it before it even began!_**


	5. Chapter 5

**__****Iron Man 2: Abridged, written while the writer listens to a Canadian Sketch groups Pod Cast. This project totally has my full attention! Ooh, they have Bill Bailey in Canada! Wait, I was doing something...**

**_At Stark Mannor..._**

"Your Father left a message for you." Agent Collinson says. "Good luck, I have to go now deal with something that totally doesn't have anything to do with a post credit scene."

Tony is handed the role of film containing his Fathers message. Several hours pass as Tony tries to fit it into his Blue-Ray player before finally figuring out that there was technology before Blue-Ray.

"Tony, I've discovered a new element, the details are on the giant model town. Please note, don't destroy that model town! Seriously, even though you're going to be the only one who See's this message! Oh, also I care for you very deeply." Tony's Father says.

"My Dad said he kind of liked me 20 years after he'd never have to further discuss the moment, and all it took was the fate of the world to be placed upon him and copious amounts of alcohol." Tony cries.

Tony creates a new element. Because it's just that easy. Seriously, I created one this morning.

"A new element to power my suit. I will call it, Starkers!" Tony declares.

_**At Hammer Expo...**_

At Hammer Expo another bizarrely over the top show and dance takes place, with the world looking happily to their new God, Justin Hammer. Truly, it is his time, and that time, is Hammer time. I knew I'd force that joke in somewhere.

"I'm better than Tony Stark! All hail me! I am the Lex Luthor of this Universe with hair and less slash-fic issues with Superman!" Justin Hammer declares.

"Screw you Justin! In case you haven't read Marvel Civil War, I'm the Lex Luthor of this Universe! And we will have various slash-fic adventures, I'll make sure of it!" Tony declares.

"How drunk are you Tony?" Pepper asks.

"Not too much." Tony responds.

Suddenly the robots come alive. Ivan Vanko takes control of his army and arrives in his own personal suit of armour, preparing for a final epic war with his arch nemesis Tony Stark.

"You wont dare fight me in this crowded city area. This is one situation your weapons of mass destruction can't solve." Ivan laughs.

"There is no problem that can't be solved by using weapons of mass destruction! Everyone die now!" Tony yells.

"And I'll help you Tony, could Terrance Howard do that! That's not counting that one deleted scene in Iron Man 1 where he saved your life!" Don Cheadle declares.

Epic fight scene ensues between Tony, Rhodey, Ivan, an army of robots and Black Widow, in which four businesses owned by small families are destroyed, bankrupting them permanently, 732 cars are wrecked, ruining insurance companies everywhere, 22 men are killed or severely wounded, and Black Window gets a serious wedgie with her leather riding quite far up her smooth and arousing rear end, but Tony Stark wins so we now erase these paragraphs from our memory, except the one about Black Widows nice rear.

"Well, time to die memorably. By blowing up an entire city!" Ivan declares.

For a brief second all looks lost. Than out of nowhere Edward Norton returns, and with a wiggle of his nose transports the gang to a safe distance from the epic explosion.

"Thank Edward Norton! Hay, you look like you have something to say, well, do you?" Rhodey asks.

"Yes I certainly do. My home planet needs me, I must be gone, I may not be back in time for the Avengers." Edward Norton explains.

With that, Edward Norton floats away, off to his home world, the planet Indie Art-house 5.

_Note: Edward Norton presumably died on this trip._

**To be concluded... with a possible Avenger rap...**


	6. Chapter 6

**_The "Why you should all love Iron Man, let him on the Avengers and totally forget the fact I'm an impulsive alcoholic rogue with weapons of mass destruction" song, by Tony Stark, or WYSALIMLHOTAATFTFIAIARWWOMD for short, catchy, right:_**

**_So yo I'm here to declare I'm Iron Man_**

**_Can I save the world, yes mostly I can_**

**_Even though I spent this movie not really world saving_**

**_In fact I generally just sat around being a smart ass and mis-behaving_**

**_And this might annoy some, and make look like a coward_**

**_But you know who hates this movie more? Terrance Howard!_**

**_And some looking for action may say this movie didn't pass_**

**_But did you forget about Black Widow's fine looking ass..._**

"OK Mr Stark! I asked you to prepare a speech about why I shouldn't fire you from the Avengers project, and THIS is what you came up with? Why do I bother with being Chief of the Superhero police! It's not even a good rap, did you write this in under 5 minutes because you couldn't be bothered to think of a real reason." Nick Fury angrily barks

"Yeah, kind of. So whose going to replace me?" Tony asks.

"Ant-Man." Nick Fury replies.

And with that Ant-Man walks into the room, and thanks to the power of early speculative casting, I don't have to describe him, he looks like Nathon Fillon.

"You're kidding me?" Tony laughs.

"Hay! I can shrink! That could come in handy. You never known when the bad guys are really really small." Ant-Man whines.

"How does being really really small make you immune to just being blown up?"

"Eat a bowel of dicks. That why!" Ant-Man wittily responds.

_**And they all lived happily ever after... for the next 3 seconds at least**_

**_Post Credits..._**

"Sir, the Norse God of thunder has landed, I think the entire Universe as we know it has kind of ended. I also think we have continuity." Agent Collinson replies.

"Oh for goodness sake! I'm trying to do a movie besides a Marvel here. Snakes on a Plane 2: More Mother-Frigging Snakes on a Bigger Mother-Frigging Plane." Samuel L Jackson replies.

**The End...**

_**Snakes on a Plane 2: More Mother-Frigging Snakes on a Bigger Mother-Frigging Plane: Coming to cinema's in 2012...**_


End file.
